Being “The Other Grandma”: Dealing with Family Issues from a Christian Perspective

Some topics are too sensitive to discuss at family gatherings. But often, the “other grandma” is silently thinking about her recessive role in the family. It’s not unusual to find families where one set of grandparents is prominent in their grandchildren’s lives while “the other side” takes a more subtle role. But just because this is not unusual doesn’t mean it doesn’t stink.

Are you “the other grandma”? Are you the one that gets to see photos of your grandchildren cuddled with the person they think of when someone asks about their grandparents? Are you the one who has to ask your child what to buy for your grandchildren on gift-giving holidays because you don’t know what they’re into these days? Maybe you want to take a primary role in the life of your children and their families, but circumstances beyond your control prevent it.

There are plenty of reasons why you may take a recessive role in the lives of your grands. For some grandparents, geographical location plays a part in their distant relationships. Your children grow up and get married and then leave their hometown. You have a job, other family members, and a busy life and can’t just relocate to follow them, so you are left with a geographical divide.

For other families, strained relationships between in-laws can create a division between grandparents and their grandchildren. It’s hard to see your grandchildren when one or both of their parents want to block a relationship. Still others live busy lives and have a hard time integrating their grandchildren into an already packed schedule.

Whatever the reason that pigeonholed you into the role of the secondary grandma doesn’t matter. What matters is the hurt you feel sitting on the sidelines of your grandchildren’s lives. So, what should you do if you feel this way? Here are a few points to ponder.

It’s Not a Competition

It’s easy enough to fall into a competitive mindset when it comes to your grandchildren’s time and attention. But this isn’t a competition to see who is going to get the most hugs or a card on Mother’s Day. God has placed certain people in your grandchildren’s lives for a reason. Each person, yes, each grandma, can contribute something different and meaningful to their grandchildren’s lives.

Maybe you’re not invited to the house as often as the other set of grandparents, but that’s okay. Life has a way of ebbing and flowing, and there may be a time when you will be the primary grandparent in their life. But even if you aren’t, realize that your involvement in their lives is not a prize to be won; it’s a gift.

Love Them From Afar

Even if you can’t be there at the family table every Sunday, it doesn’t mean you can’t make a meaningful contribution to their lives. Send cards and emails to your grandchildren to let them know you’re thinking about them. Ask to Facetime with them once a week and visit when you can. Just because you can’t sit the audience for their first ballet recital or little league game doesn’t mean that you can’t share in the excitement. Ask for photos from their parents and send little gifts to celebrate their milestones.

Mend Fences

Are there relationship issues keeping you from being in your grandchildren’s lives? As a senior member of your family, the responsibility to mend relationships may fall on your shoulders. Are you to blame for all the hurt and drama in the family? Probably not. Most relationship issues stem from mutual misunderstandings or disrespect. But do the petty or trivial issues that stand between you and your adult children and their families really matter? Are they more important than a relationship with your grandchildren?

Initiate an apology. Forgive. Do what you can to mend the relational fences and repair damaged dynamics. Approach the situation with the humility and honesty that comes from an intimate relationship with God, and love your children and grandchildren with sincerity. In time, you may find that hearts soften, and you may be granted more time with your grandchildren than you ever thought possible.

Focus on Quality

Even if you don’t spend a lot of time with your grandchildren, make the moments that you do have count! Plan special activities that they would enjoy such as crafting, baking, or watching your failed attempts at playing video games.

Create lasting memories and special moments despite time restrictions. Don’t waste your time with them arguing with their parents or belittling them. Simply stay present and focused on your grandchildren and their needs. Put your feelings and personal emotional needs aside while you’re with them. Don’t make your problem theirs. Enjoy your time, as limited as it may be, with your littles!

Accept What You Can’t Control

Unfortunately, you can’t always change family dynamics, no matter how hard you try. If you have apologized for any action that may have caused a divide in your family and have attempted to be in your grandchildren’s lives but are still meeting resistance, maybe it’s time to accept your circumstance.

You can continue to show love to your kids and their families by being present when invited, sending gifts, making phone calls, and praying over your family. Children notice consistency, kindness, and effort, even if it is being blocked by their parents. And these are things that they can observe about you, even if you don’t see them as often as you’d like.

Invite God into the Situation

While you may not be able to control the situation, you know someone who can. God can heal broken families. Seek God’s guidance, wisdom, and intervention in your strained relationship and help in complicated situations. Accepting a situation and leaving it in God’s hands is not the same as giving up hope. Letting go of what you can’t control is an act of faith.

Enjoy Your Season

It’s easy to dwell on the negative in life and to long for what you’re missing. But don’t let that desire to be included in the family rob you of your joy. God has a purpose for every season in your life, even when things don’t look the way you expected.

Instead of longing for what you wish you had, embrace the opportunities right in front of you. Pour into relationships that God has brought to you, whether that is with family, friends, or mentoring younger people in your community. You have wisdom, love, and faith to share with others, and God has a purpose for your life. Stay about your business and let God work behind the scenes in your family.

A Little Help from a Friend

If you’re feeling heartbroken about not getting to see your grandchildren and struggling to find peace in this season, you’re not alone. Sometimes, the hurt runs deep, and it helps to talk with someone who understands.

Seek counsel from a Christian therapist who can help support you and work through the pain to find peace and joy again. They, with the help of your Heavenly Father, can help repair damaged relationships and restore peace in your family. If you’re ready to take that step, reach out to a therapist who can walk the journey with you.

Being the “other grandma” doesn’t mean that you don’t still play an important part in the lives of your children and grandchildren. You’re still their family, and you still love them. With some help from the Lord, consistent kindness, and even a little help from your therapist, you can still play a vital role in praying for and loving your family. And in time, they, too, will see and appreciate the important role you play in the family.

For more information on how a Christian therapist can help and to schedule your initial appointment, contact our office today.