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How to Address Resentment in Marriage

How to Address Resentment in Marriage

Kate MotaungJune 30th, 2023|Couples Counseling, Featured, Marriage Counseling, Relationship Issues|

Your spouse is the person with whom you’ve chosen to spend the rest of your life. He or she can sometimes become the person who causes you the deepest pain, which can lead to resentment in marriage. C.S. Lewis once wrote, "To love at all is to be vulnerable." You can’t truly love someone without being open to them, sharing yourself with them, and possibly being hurt by them. This is the risk we all take in forming relationships with other people, and while it’s a risk worth taking to experience love, it can be an expensive risk. How resentment in marriage happens Of course, your spouse isn’t supposed to hurt you, but all too often that’s precisely what happens. When a loved one hurts you, what often compounds that hurt is the sense of betrayal – surely they, of all people, ought to know that this would hurt. A stranger can hurt you, but you don’t expect them to look out for you; you do expect those who love you to show some consideration. When you’re hurt, the anger and ill feeling that flows from that can cause resentment. Resentment is a complex emotion that combines anger, disgust, fear, and disappointment. It can set in if a person repeatedly doesn’t respect your boundaries, take advantage of you, or they show preferential treatment to someone else, or they disappoint your expectations. This can happen in marriage if one spouse doesn’t do their chores routinely and expects their spouse to pick up the slack. It happens if the words “Thank you” are absent in a marriage, and one feels taken for granted. Resentment can develop if one spouse makes fun of the other in the company, or if one spouse has an affair or withholds affection. When these and other [...]

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Benefits of a Secure Attachment Style for Relationships

Benefits of a Secure Attachment Style for Relationships

Kate MotaungJune 17th, 2023|Featured, Individual Counseling, Relationship Issues|

As social and relational beings, we thrive when our relationships are deep, meaningful, and connected. You can have money, property, fame, and beauty, but if you have poor relationships with others, that’s a void that can’t be filled and it will be deeply felt. While God has designed us to be relational, part of the tragedy of the human condition is that we live in a world that’s broken, and that brokenness extends to our relationships, preventing secure attachment. Secure attachment: What is it? We learn how best to relate to others when we are young. That’s when we form our emotional and mental maps of the world. When children’s needs are met consistently and their expressions of emotion are welcomed and met with understanding, comfort, and support, all this helps them feel secure. They can be vulnerable and safe, which allows them to express themselves and know that they are loved. This is what is called secure attachment. When people are securely attached, they have healthy self-understanding, the ability to express their emotions and needs, and a willingness to trust. Because their needs were met consistently and meaningfully, they can relate to others in a healthy way that’s free from anxiety or fear. Ideally, everyone should have a home environment in which they are loved, given room for self-expression, and their needs met. We long to experience the joy of being loved and of loving others, and our hearts ache when this basic desire is not met. The people that are closest to us – our families, friends, and such – don’t always show up in the best way possible. This can occur when issues of alcohol abuse and domestic violence are present or you experience neglect and abandonment, whether physically or emotionally. When a person’s needs aren’t [...]

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The Substance of Shame: Navigating Chemical Dependency

The Substance of Shame: Navigating Chemical Dependency

Kate MotaungJune 13th, 2023|Chemical Dependency, Featured, Individual Counseling|

Struggle and shame are two of several universal elements that connect us in this human experience. Our backgrounds or the circumstances that led us to begin using our drug of choice may differ. Yet, those of us in recovery, or at least seeking freedom from substance abuse disorder or chemical dependency, are fully aware of our commonalities. Personal battles bring ups and downs, pushing and pulling, twisting and turning our souls. It leaves us weary, longing for the rest from labor that the Messiah promised in His Presence (Matthew 11:28-30). Though we may all experience struggles, the work of the enemy is to persuade us that ours make us weird, different, and not accepted among others. Like Adam and Eve, we retreat to the shadows. We try to find our cover in the darkness, and among the shadows that veil who we are and what we have encountered. This, however, doesn’t stop the voice of God from coming for us, in between the narrow spaces where we have clustered ourselves, clinging to invisibility, yet craving to be known and loved. Chemical dependency: Struggle, shame, and stigma We all experience it, though it may vary from one person to the next. It can make us want to cringe and cover ourselves in shame. Addiction is often accompanied by stigma. Even among other believers who share our faith in Christ, we can feel lonely and isolated. Somehow, we tend to believe that our struggle is unrelatable. Whether we are still getting high and struggling, sober and still struggling to remain clean, or sponsoring others in their journey, we must know that God is faithful. Scripture describes the connection as an irrevocable marriage covenantto the backslider, the one who has fallen and needs help to get up or get up again. If [...]

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Overcoming Some Common Women’s Insecurities

Overcoming Some Common Women’s Insecurities

Kate MotaungMay 25th, 2023|Anxiety, Featured, Individual Counseling, Personal Development, Women’s Issues|

Many women struggle with some level of doubts and insecurities about themselves. This may result from things people have said to them, whether it’s a friend or family member or just a colleague they are not even close to. It may even originate primarily in their minds as a result of assumptions they have made about what people around them may be thinking. Particularly in our age of social media, it can be easy to compare yourself to others out there and feel like you don’t measure up. Insecurities can be slight, just a niggling doubt in the back of the mind, or they can be completely overwhelming and even debilitating, making it hard to face the daily challenges that come your way. Before you know it, you are filled with self-doubt and feeling like you fall short. 5 Common Insecurities Women Face Some common insecurities that women struggle with include physical insecurities, relationship insecurities, social insecurities, intellectual insecurities, and spiritual insecurities. 1. Physical insecurities are those doubts you feel about the way that you look. Whether you believe some beauty standard from society or via social media, or you simply compare yourself to someone you know it can cause insecurity. Once you have decided that something specific fits the definition of beauty, it can be easy to start comparing yourself to that and feeling like you fall short. When this happens, it can be hard to escape the feeling that you’re too fat, too thin, too short, too tall, or that somehow you’re not pretty enough. 2. Another major area of insecurities is relationships. In terms of a romantic relationship, a woman can question whether she is desirable as a partner and whether her partner might leave her for someone else. If this is a deeply rooted insecurity, [...]

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Finding the Right Help for Your Teen

Finding the Right Help for Your Teen

Kate MotaungMay 10th, 2023|Christian Counseling For Teens, Family Counseling, Featured, Individual Counseling|

Life can be a turbulent journey that takes savvy and deep wisdom to negotiate well. As a parent, you face a variety of challenges, not least of which is getting help for your teen to live in ways that help them flourish as they mature in the Lord. In moments of honest vulnerability, parents will often acknowledge that they don’t have it all figured out and have a lot to learn when it comes to parenting their kids. That’s all right. It’s more common than you’d think and help is available. Does my teen need counseling? Teens are figuring out who they are in a new phase of life. If parents struggle trying to figure out how to help for their teen as they struggle through the changes initiated by adolescence, imagine how those teens are experiencing this bewildering time. Of course, 21st-century children have no shortage of voices telling them who they should be, from friends at school, influencers on social media, and the adults in their life. Much of the “wisdom” your teen encounters will likely not be helpful or may conflict with your values as a family. Your teen may need counseling in certain circumstances, including the following: Their grades are dropping, and they’re getting in trouble at school. Their weight and appetite change dramatically. They become more isolated and withdrawn, and they seem sad. They begin harming themselves, and they talk about death and dying. They begin abusing substances, from recreational and other drugs to alcohol and other substances to get a high. They are engaging in high-risk behavior such as unprotected and promiscuous sex, or reckless driving. They have unexplained anger outbursts, and they struggle to regulate their emotions. It’s important to remember that becoming a teenager will bring changes, and each child will [...]

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Care, Cope, Counsel: Navigating Grief

Care, Cope, Counsel: Navigating Grief

Kate MotaungMay 10th, 2023|Featured, Grief Counseling, Individual Counseling|

Contrary to the popular saying, time does not heal all wounds. What we do with the passage of our days and years is actually what bears the most significant impact on our mental, emotional, and spiritual state. Such is the case when we are navigating the experience of grief. While we often define it in the context of death, grief itself encompasses the emotional anguish we experience following loss of any sort. Death is one of the experiences that we cannot escape in life. When we experience a loss of life, we encounter a range of different emotions. In response, we can feel stunned and bewildered, angry or incredulous. Navigating grief can be uncomfortable and unsettling. Having a roadmap to acquaint ourselves with grief’s stages can help us to better understand the mystery of our thoughts and emotions. Whether the loss is sudden or we expected a loved one to pass away, every loss is different. Our response will not be the same as another person’s, as grief is an experience that impacts human beings differently. The differences don’t only surface between experiences, but also within ourselves. We may grieve various losses differently than how we previously processed the loss of friends and family. It is important to acknowledge that fact and receive grace to absorb the present reality. In whatever stage of grief we find ourselves in, we can be reminded that the Holy Spirit is our Comforter. He is present in times of sorrow, to console us and bottle our tears. He is our peace and strength, even as we hurt and heal. Navigating grief involves various stages. We don’t necessarily advance from one stage to another linearly and we may even experience some phases simultaneously or in a different order. As one might imagine, when we [...]

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How to Bust Through Stress Eating

How to Bust Through Stress Eating

Melissa PlantzMay 10th, 2023|Eating Disorders, Featured, Individual Counseling|

Stress eating becomes a habit once our brains recognize that the action gives us pleasure. When we eat carb-loaded, starchy, sugary, or salty foods, the reward system in our brains activates, and we feel relief from whatever is stressing us out. But we know that is only a temporary relief, and the stress (and the emotions that come with it) will return. How to End the Stress Eating Cycle You can end the cycle of stress eating with a few lifestyle changes. Ask yourself if you are really hungry. Before you reach for that chocolate candy on your coworker’s desk or pull into the drive-thru after a long day, pause to ask yourself if you are truly hungry. Hunger is a physical sensation in your stomach, not an urge. Is your stomach growling? Can you feel a little bit of acid moving around? These are physical cues that your stomach is empty, and you need to refuel. However, the urges accompanying stress eating feel more like a pulling sensation. It is a sudden demand for food. You may have just eaten a meal and felt full not twenty minutes earlier, but now the urge to eat something sweet, salty, or starchy is all you can think about. Like a smoker with the habit of puffing a cigarette, you desire to put food in your mouth. In reality, you may only be tired, angry, bored, or lonely. Ask yourself what emotion is driving this eating behavior. Do something else. One of the reasons we stress eat is boredom. We may have a list of things to do, but we want to distract ourselves, and nothing can take our minds off our worries. In response, we turn to food. Instead of reaching for a snack, make a list of self-care tasks. [...]

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How to Communicate Better with Your Child

How to Communicate Better with Your Child

Kate MotaungFebruary 18th, 2023|Family Counseling, Featured, Individual Counseling, Relationship Issues|

Your child listens and learns from you through your words, the tone and sound of your voice, your facial expression, and the affection that accompanies them when you interact with them. Learning to communicate better with your child is a valuable skill. You can learn how. Relying on personal experience or traditions from your family of origin may not be sufficient. Being clear with yourself that better communication can be learned means that you will likely take advantage of this opportunity and familiarize yourself with the various ways we communicate with our children. This is important as the way you parent and relate messages to your child teaches them how to communicate with others, it shapes their emotional development, and forms the method they will use to build relationships as they grow up. Knowing how to communicate better with your child is important and powerful. The self-concept that your child will develop as a result of their early childhood experiences gives them a sense of who they are, as well as their interpretation of their place within their family and community. Their ability to manage stress, feel confident and motivate themselves as adults is intrinsically linked to their experiences as a child between the ages of two and six years. It is the parent’s responsibility to ensure that the relationship with the child is positive and so strengthen this outcome. Feeling blamed, judged, criticized, and the butt of jokes may fuel a negative cycle. This can lead to a self-perception that they deserve blame, judgement, criticism, and scorn. How to communicate better It is important to know there are two different types of communication. Verbal communication is the way we communicate with our words. Non-verbal communication includes both intentional and unintentional communication through body language. Verbal communication includes the [...]

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Getting Old Versus Aging Gracefully

Getting Old Versus Aging Gracefully

Melissa PlantzFebruary 9th, 2023|Aging and Geriatric Issues, Family Counseling, Featured, Individual Counseling|

Some people consider the words “getting old” as derogatory as if aging is something we should think of as an insult. Yet, not only are millions of people worldwide not aging gracefully, they never live long enough to grow old. However, there is a difference between having a “getting old” mindset and aging gracefully. Aging gracefully means treating this season as you would your childhood, teen years, young adulthood, and middle age. It is another season where changes take place, and new opportunities arise. It is a time when we bring wisdom and rely on family and relationships for companionship. Tips for getting old and aging gracefully “Getting old” is a mindset that you believe you have no control over your life and that death is inevitable. Although death is the transition from this world as we know it and being with God, death can arrive for anyone and any time, no matter the age. Instead, embrace the years you have now. If you are still breathing, God is not done with you yet. You can shift your mindset to aging gracefully by being prepared and tapping into the childhood/teen/young adult years. After all, you can bring a new perspective to those seasons. Commit to caring for the body and mind. To enjoy your senior years, you want to work on your physical and mental health as early as possible. However, even if you did not stay consistent with exercise and eating nutritious food, you can start now. You may want to request help from a dietician or nutritionist to help you choose meal plans, shop for food, and cook new recipes. Your physician should give you clearance before you start any exercise regimen. However, even walking short distances as you build your endurance and stamina will improve your [...]

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Chronic Illness and Depression: How to Find Hope and Support

Chronic Illness and Depression: How to Find Hope and Support

Kate MotaungJanuary 18th, 2023|Depression, Featured, Individual Counseling|

It is more common for people who suffer from chronic illnesses to also struggle with depression. Unfortunately, people who suffer from depression also have an increased risk of developing a chronic illness. However, depression can still be treated even if you have a chronic illness. What is a chronic illness? A condition that usually lasts three months or longer. Is not preventable by vaccination. Has no existing cure, even if it is treatable. Heart disease, stroke, and ongoing pain are examples of some of the most prevalent types of chronic conditions (diseases). It is estimated that more than one hundred million people in the United States are coping with at least one chronic illness, and the majority of them are managing at least two illnesses simultaneously. There is a high rate of inaccuracy and delay in the diagnosis of chronic diseases. When you are aware that something is wrong with your body but you are unable to get a diagnosis or treatment for it, it can be an extremely taxing experience on your emotional well-being. After receiving a diagnosis, additional issues might appear. In general, the treatment focuses on the physical aspects of the disease the vast majority of the time; in the meantime, the mental and emotional aspects may not receive the appropriate attention. It may be difficult for you to articulate how you are feeling in the beginning stages of a chronic illness as well as throughout the illness itself. In general, the treatment focuses on the physical aspects of the disease the vast majority of the time; in the meantime, the mental and emotional aspects may not receive the appropriate attention. Working through a chronic illness diagnosis A diagnosis of chronic illness can cause a person to experience a sense of having lost touch with who [...]

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