Signs of Trust Issues in a Relationship

One thing that every relationship needs to function is trust. A relationship can’t function if the people in it can’t rely on what they are saying to each other, or if they are constantly second-guessing and are suspicious of each other’s motives. Such a hostile environment makes for an uncomfortable relationship that lacks any mutual dependence, real intimacy, and growth, and is characterized by trust issues.

One could say that trust is the soil that a relationship grows in, and if stripped of trust, a relationship will likely wither and perish in the long run.

Identifying and addressing trust issues can help a relationship to thrive by creating room in the relationship to be vulnerable, to feel safe and secure enough to be intimate, to drop the walls and be yourself as well as minimize the conflict that so easily springs up due to distrust.

What are trust issues?

The term “trust issues” gets thrown around quite a bit and is often meant to indicate behaviors of distrust in relationships with others. It is most often used about intimate relationships. The term can be leveraged unfairly and end up masking what may be complex emotional challenges that are rooted in a person’s past experiences and the insecure attachment style that resulted from those experiences.

Trusting someone is about being willing to depend on them, taking them at their word, and taking for granted that they are reliable. When a person has trust issues, they struggle to do these things with another person, whether it is a friend, a romantic partner, or a colleague.

Why do they develop between people?

Trust issues develop in several ways. Some people struggle to trust others because of past experiences in their childhood. For instance, witnessing parental conflict or the betrayal of one parent by the other can lead to having problems with trusting others in future romantic relationships. Other reasons for trust issues include betrayal by a romantic partner such as infidelity or addiction to pornography.

If a person grew up in an unstable home situation in which their needs were not met or they were met inconsistently, that might also lead to the development of trust issues and an insecure attachment style. Trust issues can also develop as a result of social rejection by peers during adolescence, and negative experiences such as trauma and bullying can also make a person find it hard to trust others.

Signs to look for.

Some of the signs of trust issues that you can look out for are:

• You don’t believe what the other person says.
• You have difficulty with commitment to the other person and engage in self-sabotaging behaviors that can ultimately undermine the relationship.
• You are suspicious of and question the other person’s intentions and motives.
• Lack of sexual and other intimacy. For married couples, one way that trust issues typically manifest is that intimacy in the relationship deteriorates, and that includes sexual intimacy. In cases where the trust issues are the result of infidelity, however, sometimes sex may paradoxically increase, motivated by fear that the straying partner will continue to look outside the primary relationship.
• You assume the worst and focus on the negative in most situations.
• There is resentment and a lack of forgiveness in the relationship.
• Persistent jealousy and suspicion of unfaithfulness.
• Conflict, which often stems from being hypersensitive to criticism.
• There’s a lot of blame and overreacting to situations.

Sometimes, trust issues are justified and stem from patterns of behavior that have eroded trust and the benefit of the doubt. Not trusting a person who has betrayed you is a way to avoid further hurt, abandonment, and betrayal. This is somewhat different from trust issues that are present in a relationship but aren’t rooted in any inherent untrustworthiness of one’s partner.

Overcoming trust issues in your relationship.

Trust issues can be overcome, whether they are rooted in your current relationship, or in past relationships such that distrust has become a pattern of relating to others. Instead of remaining in a posture of distrust, which can prevent you from entering a loving and flourishing relationship, there are other ways to address trust issues.

Acknowledge the issues in your relationship.

Recognizing that what’s going on stems from trust issues is a great first step in the process of finding healing.

Communicate where you’re at.

One of the results of trust issues is that communication becomes absent or distorted. Conflict becomes the ground where you engage with each other, and while distrust reigns supreme, it likely won’t be healthy conflict and good communication.

Rather, take a step back and try to have calm, authentic, and vulnerable conversations with your partner, friend, or colleague. Talk about why you struggle to trust others and ask for gentle feedback as you continue so you can know when you’re acting like you don’t trust them.

Take ownership and undergo a process of self-discovery.

Where trust issues stem from the actions of the other person who has betrayed your trust, they need to take ownership of that. Rebuilding trust takes time, and each of you has to work on yourself to get there. Where they stem from your past and not from your present relationship, you need to own that and begin the process of learning where these trust issues come from.

Avoid blame and work through the issues.

When trust has been breached, it needs to be rebuilt, which requires creating room to slowly trust again. Instead of blame, commit to forgiveness and to working on any desires for control that may be informing the trust issues.

Seek professional help.

Journeying with an experienced mental health professional such as a Christian counselor can help you to learn more about why you struggle with trust. It can also teach you new coping skills that will help you start to trust other people and begin rebuilding trust in your relationships.